Axing Cliches

Yesterday, I was reading Janet Reid's Query Shark and in #100 she brought up a point I know I know, but forgot. Avoid cliches - especially in your query letters. And the instance she pointed to was exactly the one in my own letter. "Discovering the truth..." Ack.

So, that's been chopped. Along with several other unnecessary words and phrases. What I now have is a tighter, cleaner, and more hook-like paragraph (I hope).

In a world where the Union rules everything, Mary Jones was raised to believe she’s nothing. When an underground society known as The Order chooses her for a mission to escape the city, she’s suddenly more important than she’s ever been allowed to know. On the run from the Union Guard, it’s either chancy survival beyond the boundaries of home, or certain death within. Protected by a man she’s not even sure she can trust, she travels through land ravaged by a long-forgotten war, discovering a history the Union wants everyone to forget and an idea worth risking her life for. Mary never promised the Order she’d return, but she can’t be free while the others in her city remain trapped. She just never dreamed they wouldn’t want her help.

I implemented some of the suggestions given in previous comments, but in the end, I just couldn't make some of them work. (btw, I don't have your email addy, Kristen.) With the third limited POV and the voice, giving the hero his own paragraph seemed odd. Everything is from Mary's perspective, and he's more like a 'best supporting actor' than a star.

Anyway, my beta reader is working on Blink (Thank you!), so I won't be sending this out until that's finished. Which gives me time to let this simmer. Meanwhile, I did chop those chapters out of Nano last night, and this morning I resurrected my word meter. (I actually snipped more words, but then added some into the new Chapter One.)

Okay, off to start the day. Can't sit around forever in my jammies. (Well, I could but I won't.) Have a great one, everyone.

=o)

Missed Again

By now I'm betting you're wondering why I'm so stressed about this damn query copy thing. I mean, geez, that's all I've talked about lately. That's all I've been thinking about lately, too. When I wake up in the morning, I sit down and work on the damn thing.

Well, I was thinking about it yesterday. The reason I stress so much over the query letter copy is simple. I spent untold hours writing a book, and all that work either stands or falls based on one little letter. I know I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating. 94K words lives or dies based on whether 250 words can entice an agent enough to read more.

Pressure anyone?

So, I'm sorry if my posts have been a little irritating lately. I'm sure you're all sick of reading about it by now. I know I'm sick of thinking about it. In fact, I've been at this so diligently for so many days that now it seems like each subsequent draft blows chunks worse than the one before. But even the older drafts still aren't right. I thought I had it yesterday, but in retrospect, I missed again. :cue Phil Collins: Missed again, Ohh-oh-oh-oh. I think I missed again. oh-Oh-oh.

Anyway, whilst in the midst of this battle with submission materials, I am doing other things. I finally got around to working on the edits for Nano. The first bit - a sort-of prologue - still looks good, but I think the entire first chapter has to go. Snippity-snip. It's interesting and gives some important info, but it's not crucial and the info can be woven in later. Ba-bye words.

And as for C&D, I'll get back to Jordan later. Don't worry. The book is getting used to being put off, or at least it should be by now. Thank goodness it's not a time sensitive piece.

In other news, I got the first chapter of Blink back from a beta reader last night, and she likes it. Always a good thing.

But enough about me. What's new with you?

Hewp my bwain mewted

In a world where the Union rules everything, Mary Jones was raised to believe she’s nothing. When she stumbles across an underground society known as The Order, and they choose her for their mission to leave the city, she’s suddenly more important than she’s ever been allowed to know. On the run from the Union Guard, it’s either a chancy survival outside the city, or certain death within. With a man she’s not even sure she can trust as her protector, she travels through territory ravaged by a long-forgotten war, and discovers the truth about the Union. Returning could mean either her death or a chance at freedom for them all, but it’s worth the risk. She just never imagined she might have to force people to want to be free. And she never counted on losing her heart to someone who could betray her.

Needs work. I know. I've been at this off and on for days, though, so all I'm wondering is if I'm on the right track.

Uhh, yeah, I scrapped the other one. I know, I'm a freak. My bwain is dwaining froo my ears.

It's the writing... the writing, I say...

:trails off into maniacal laughter:

If anyone needs me, I'll be donning my 'I love me' jacket and drooling over there in the corner.

btw, if i get one more piece of spam telling me how much oprah loves acai berry, i'm going bat-shit friggin whacko

How Much Is Enough... or Too Much?

Writing a query letter is much like walking a tightrope. You have just so much space, and falling to either side of that space can be disastrous. (And part of the problem is you don't know you've fallen until after you're already smushed on the rejection concrete below.)

Yesterday Kristen asked if Blink has any romance, since I didn't hint at it in my last pass at the cover copy. It does. I mentioned it in one of my other drafts, but I eventually elected to delete that information. Why?

As I said above, there's only so much space. You have to make a decision on each story element as to whether it's crucial enough to stick into that space. In the case of the romance angle, I decided it wasn't germane to the crux of the story. It's like the suspense angle, or the betrayal angle, or the mystery. It's there, and it adds conflict for Mary, but the real story is her journey from crawling to fighting.

The urge is there to put in a snippet about the hero. I'd also like to mention the villain, but in the scheme of things, it's enough to use the Union and not mention the man who heads it. If I had the space, I'd talk about the grandfatherly Russell who introduces her to the Order.

I could delve into Mary's search for identity, because as a 'foundling' she doesn't really know her past or her family, and it's key to discovering who she really is as an individual.

See why writing a query blurb is so damn hard? It was actually harder for this book than any other so far. There's a lot woven into those 94K words.

Anyway, I think I hit the right balance. The book is broken into three parts, and each is represented in the three paragraphs - albeit not in any encompassing way. Time will tell if I got it right or it fell off the tightrope into the abyss. I just need to hook them, so they'll want to read more.

Now I have to write the synopsis (something I neglected to do last year for my aborted query pass). There's where I can let it all hang out - in five pages or less.

Heh. Is it any wonder I'm a wee bit loony?

.

Next!

And here we go again, with extra query verbiage added:

A foundling raised in a state home, Mary Jones should be a meek servant under the Union’s dictatorship. Instead, she has a tendency to wander where she shouldn’t be, and this time it’s straight into a forbidden store run by a member of a secret society—The Order and they need help. Before she can blink, they decide she’s perfect for a mission they’ve planned for decades. Now, she can either stay home where the Union Guard already has orders to kill her, or she can escape the city to search for traces of mankind outside.

If she survives long enough to return, that is.

Beyond the ravages of a long-forgotten war, she learns freeing her city means eradicating the Union—by herself, if necessary. The problem is: when she promised to free her people, she never dreamed they wouldn’t want her help.

Blink of an I is a 94,000 word speculative :or other pertinent genre: novel set in America’s distant future.

After reading :personalization:, :more personalization:. Almost four years ago, I quit the big city and my life in corporate America to write full-time in the relative solitude of tiny-town Colorado. Since then, I have five completed novels under my belt—Blink of an I being the most recent work.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(BTW, I don't really space between paragraphs - that's a no-no - I just can't get the blog to indent text without becoming a huge pain in the hiney.)

Better?

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New Take on an Old Try

This was originally called Blurb7 - out of like 15 - and was written before I rewrote the middle and revised the beginning. I revised this to meet the changes I'd made to the book, so I can maybe hit the mark a little closer.

Let's see if this is an improvement.

Raised in the strangling embrace of the Union, Mary Jones was supposed to be exactly what they wanted her to be, to think what they wanted her to think, and to live how they wanted her to live. She failed. Fired from her job and denounced as incompetent, she wanders into a curious old store, and into the arms of a secret society known as the Order. Before she knows it, these strange people have chosen her for a mission no one else has survived. Unless Mary wants her life to remain the same, she must accept their plan to escape the city and discover whether other people still exist in the world—if only to prove life can go on without Union control. What she finds beyond the ravages of a long forgotten war will force her to accept the only way her city will be free is to eradicate the Union, even if she has to do it herself. But when she made the promise to free her people, she never dreamed they wouldn’t want her help.

Seems a little wordy to me, but it says what I need it to say. I think it addresses some of the concerns Kristen raised in her comments on the previous post. (Or maybe I'm just too close to see how I'm missing the mark.) Any help anyone can provide will be appreciated. In fact, if you leave a help-related comment about this blurby thing between today's posts and the time my poll closes, I'll enter you into a drawing for a prize - just as a thanks.

Maybe 2009 will be my year.

The Latest Incarnation

Well, after all the work I did yesterday, I scrapped everything this morning and went back to a draft I did several weeks ago. Not that what I wrote yesterday was crap. It was actually pretty good as cover copy goes. I was even prepared to go ahead with it, but when I looked at it this morning, I realized it didn't have the right tone. It wasn't in keeping with the voice of the novel.

So anyway, here's the latest incarnation. There's still something off about it, but I'm so brain-fried I can't figure out what. If any of you want to comment, feel free.

Raised as a foundling, Mary Jones was taught to believe she's nothing and no one. As castes go, she’s just one step above servants and slaves, and she’s lucky the Union allowed her that. But after she wanders across a secret group known as the Order, she discovers she’s more special than she’s been allowed to know. The Order sees something in Mary, a chance for success where so many others have failed. Mary’s only task is to escape the city and find others who may still be free beyond the wastelands, but after learning she’s always been a tool for the Union, she makes plans of her own. She’ll return to see her city free from the Union’s control, whether it wants to be free or not.

*shrug* It's close, but I don't want to touch it anymore for fear I'll screw it up. Like making spaghetti sauce - sometimes you know it's missing something, but you can't figure out what, and then the next thing you know you've added too much thyme and ruined the whole pot.

Hamster Wheel

Write, rewrite, edit... go back to previous draft... Edit, tweak, revise... Start over fresh... Revise, rewrite, edit, tweak...

Aarrgghh!!

Can you tell I'm trying to write the 'cover copy' portion of my new query for Blink? I feel like a friggin' hamster, running in his little wheel. Round and round. Never getting anywhere. I've been at it for two hours this morning already. Every time I think I've almost got the jist of it, I look at it and realize, something not right. It's driving me fruit-bat.

:sets hair on fire and runs down the street screaming:

Ok, not really. But that's what I feel like doing sometimes, ya know?

And it occurred to me this morning that I started this book over two years ago. For some reason I was sure I started this in '07, but no. First file date? August 2006. Yuck. I started it in August, finished the first draft in December, redrafted a couple times and then sat on it for a year. I re-redrafted it, and in January of '08 I sent out a couple queries. No nibbles. Then I got distracted again writing another book, and another book. Editing each of those, querying each of those... More Hamster Wheel activity... And finally, here I am with Blink re-written - yet again. And yet again, I'm rewriting the submission materials. First the query, then the synopsis.

Then submission.

Hamster Wheel. Run little furry guy, run.

Ever see a hamster get running so fast that when he falls, he just rides the wheel all the way around to the bottom again before either falling off or getting a fresh grip? Pretty funny stuff. Unless, of course, you're the hamster.

(Okay, so it's pretty funny even then.)

Of course, as frustrating and irritating as this writing business can sometimes be, I wouldn't trade it for any other job. And for all my occassional whining, I do love this endeavor. I just wish it was easier sometimes. Know what I mean?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have miles to go on before I sleep (considering it's only quarter after nine and I'm only really running in circles). ;o)

When I get it to a version I don't hate, I'll post it for y'all. Then you can tell me if you think it sucks or not. Maybe I'll make it an anonymous poll. LOL

Title Contest

Yes, folks, you heard it right. I'm having another contest, and it has to do with titles. Now, I know most title contests you read about on the blogosphere are held when the book is already in the publisher's hands and close to being a real book. (That statement makes me think of Pinocchio.)

In my case, I'm just not jazzed about my working title on Manhunter. Sure, it fits the work, but it just isn't zippy enough. And if I don't think it's zippy, no agent worth his/her salt is going to get grabbed by it either. So...

I'm giving you all the chance to pick a title, or to suggest your own. And since I'm not getting reams of blog traffic lately, the chances of winning should be pretty good - unless you're all peaches and point some people in my direction. The more the merrier on this one.

First, the book... Here's the blurb (subject to change):

***Blurb deleted because it sucked eggs.

12:30pm - Trying again...

Jace Douglas is afraid of fire, but as an agent with the Serial Crimes Unit, she doesn’t get to pick her cases. When a series of seemingly disconnected men turn up dead, but the method of their deaths is very connected, she has no choice but to follow this string of fiery murders. With the help of the best back-up crew a woman could ask for, as well as one pushy but altogether too attractive local cop, she sets off on a cross-country journey to catch a killer before another man dies.

Emma Sweet looks more like a trophy wife than a murderer, but as she watches her husband burn alive in his Mercedes, she knows her trophy life is over. So many more men deserve to share the same fate, and although the specifics may be different, the pain they caused remains the same. As she meanders from state to state, crossing the names off her list while she ends their lives, she knows she’s only one step ahead of Agent Douglas. She doesn’t care if she gets caught really, as long as the last name on her list—the first one to break her heart—gets the justice he’s earned before justice catches up with her.

Here's the logline and hook instead:

After infidelity drives a trophy wife to take ‘carrying a torch’ one step too far, Agent JD must follow a string of fiery murders across country to catch a killer before the past engulfs them both.

Dwelling on the past can be murder.

(Not the best blurb in the world, I know. I'm working on it. Did I mention how much I hate blurbing?)

Now the possible titles:

Serving Justice
Sweet Revenge
Sweet Fire
Revenge is Sweet; Justice is Sweeter
Fiery Vengeance
Car-B-Que
Vehicular Man Slaughter
Jace’s Justice
Fire In Her Eyes
Deadly Revenge
A Woman Scorned
Predators
Predator and Prey
The Fairer Sex
Gender Bias
Past Mistakes
Sweet Killer
The Weaker Sex
Old Flames

As for the contest, pick a title you think works for you, or offer one of your own. If I use the title you pick, you win. (Or if more than one person picks the best title, I'll just throw all the names in and draw from a hat.)

What do you win? Well, I don't rightly know at this point. I have a boatload of books I could give away. (In fact, I have a store's worth.) So, by the time I announce the winner on Friday 8/8/08, I'll have a list of potential bookish prizes for the winner to choose from. And if you know what you might like from my store, put it in the comments along with your title choice.

Let the games begin.

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Round and Round and Round We Go

I feel like a friggin' hamster this morning. I'm running in circles inside my head, and while I know I'm not getting anywhere, I can't really make it stop.

You see... I'm blurbing again.

In the past couple days, I've written seven different versions of a possible blurb for Manhunter. Seven versions and none of them feel right. After six books, you'd think I'd have this down by now.

Heh. I wish. I wonder if any writer has this process down. Do the big name published authors even have to do their own blurbs? Does Nora Roberts write the backcover copy for her novels any more? Did she ever? What about Stephen King? James Patterson?

Not that I'm those people, but I'm just wondering if there'll ever be a day when I won't have to obsess over blurbs and synopses.

Don't worry about me. I'm just a wee bit frustrated. There's so much information I want to convey about the book, and I really only have two paragraphs in which to do it. I find myself wondering if I should stick with blurbing about the heroine and the villain, or whether I should focus on the heroine and her relationship with the hero - mentioning the villain only as she relates to them. Or whether all three characters should have their own spotlight. Decisions, decisions. The merry-go-round of indecisiveness. Weeeeee.

Ummm... Not.

Do I mention the heroine's fear of fire - because it's integral to her character - or do I leave it behind because it's not overly integral to the plot?

Oh, and another thing... If I try to sell this to suspense agents and also to romance agents, I'm going to need two different blurbs. :sets own hair on fire and runs naked through the streets screaming:

Any hints on what you would do in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. Or even a little sympathy would be nice.

Anyway, enough of my daily neuroses. How's things in your world?
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Ummm... help?

I could use a little help this morning. I've been wracking my brains working on my query letter, and I think I have it down, but I'm still a little unsure about the blurb. So... If any of my regular visitors have a minute and would like to look over my blurb for me, leave a comment and I'll e-mail you a copy. (If your e-mail isn't listed on your blog, feel free to e-mail me directly instead.)

In exchange, you'll have my gratitude and just to sweeten the pot, I could throw in some reciprocal help and/or a free book for your troubles. Come on. You know you wanna see it.

Synopsis Time Again

It's time again for the oh-so necessary evil - the synopsis. (I heard that collective groan.)

Once again, I will be assembling the bones of my story to build a bridge between the book and the agent. Hey, you gotta get from here to there somehow or other. Now that I have the blurb, and the hook, and the general guts of my query letter, I need to finish this last piece of submission materials so I can get RTL in front of the right people.

I know I said I wasn't going to post the gist of the story online, and after a great deal of thought, I'm still not, but maybe the hook will be okay. (As in, won't get me a string of hatemail. I hate hatemail.)

HOOK: When the Right to Life is decided by the government, neither rights nor life are safe.

Anyway, I'd really like to tell y'all about it, but the whole potential of snotty comments leaves me cold. That's part of the reason why I don't discuss 'issues' here on my blog. (I know if this book ever gets published, I won't have any choice, but for now, I do - so I won't.)

So, as I sit here basking in my accomplishments of yesterday and dreading the work ahead, what's on your plate?

Fin

Not that kind of fin, although now I have that Jimmy Buffett song stuck in my head, tyvm. Fin as in the Latin word for end. I finally finished the edit of Blink! Okay, so it's still with my CP who's making some minor crits and sending it back (which I then have to change, so I guess I'm not completely done).

Anyway...

It's done as far as anything major. At this stage of the game, my CP rarely finds anything major for me to change. Yay. Did I mention how much I love my CP?

Now that I'm done with that, I can start editing RTL. No breaks allowed. There's too much work to do. Or in the words of my wonderful spouse: "I'll rest when I'm dead."

Plus, the next stage of work begins for Blink. That's right, folks, prepping query packets! Part of today was spent blurbing, and researching agents, and getting the new query letter ready for customizing for each potential agent. Fun fun fun. I already have one I think will really love the book. (We'll see if he thinks the same after he gets the query.)

Which brings me around to my usual genre quandry. I really don't know what genre this sucker fits into. It could be literary. It could be 'speculative fiction'. It may even be soft SF. I'd really like for it to be commercial. Love to see Mary and Daniel up on the bigscreen one day. But it's probably not going to happen. It does have some really great action scenes, but... no vampires. *heavy sigh* Of course, they did make a movie (or several) out of Fahrenheit 451, so it's not totally out of the question, but still...

In case you missed it earlier, Blink is set in a dystopia of the distant future. The city where it takes place may be the only city left in the world, but since :cue villian music: the Union controls all the information and no one is allowed to leave the city, no one knows for certain. That's where Mary comes in. She's chosen by a mysterious underground group called the Order to escape from the city and find the answers to whether they're alone or there are still rational people left in the world. Insert the dashing ex-Captain of the Union's special guard as her soul protector, throw in a little romance and a little intrigue, and you've got Blink - short for :drumroll: Blink of an I (that phrase is mine, so back off). I'd tell you more, but then I'd have to kill you.

The official (and yet not quite set in stone) one-line blurb is:
When a lower-caste woman is chosen for a mission to escape confines of her city and go beyond the wastelands, she never imagines she’ll wind up back home, fighting for her life and for the freedom of her fellow citizens—whether they want to be free or not.

The longer version goes something like this:
Mary Jones has always been nothing special. In the caste system of her home, she lives her life one step above the bottom tier. But when a secret group known as the Order finds her, she discovers she’s more special than she would have ever realized. For decades, the Order has lived to keep knowledge alive in a city where the Union has made ignorance not only preferable but also the law. The Order’s only hope is to prove rational men still exist somewhere outside the city. After years of trying to escape, not one person has made it out alive. When they encounter Mary, they see a chance for success where so many others have failed. Mary’s only task is to find others who may still be free in the world beyond the wastelands, but she has plans of her own. She’ll see her city free from the Union’s control, or die trying.

Look for it at a bookstore near you sometime in the near future. :crosses fingers and toes and eyes, throws salt over one shoulder, rubs a redhead and a buddha belly, avoids black cats and ladders... you get the drift:

Onward to adventure, my friend!

Or something like that.