Yesterday, I was reading Janet Reid's Query Shark and in #100 she brought up a point I know I know, but forgot. Avoid cliches - especially in your query letters. And the instance she pointed to was exactly the one in my own letter. "Discovering the truth..." Ack.
So, that's been chopped. Along with several other unnecessary words and phrases. What I now have is a tighter, cleaner, and more hook-like paragraph (I hope).
In a world where the Union rules everything, Mary Jones was raised to believe she’s nothing. When an underground society known as The Order chooses her for a mission to escape the city, she’s suddenly more important than she’s ever been allowed to know. On the run from the Union Guard, it’s either chancy survival beyond the boundaries of home, or certain death within. Protected by a man she’s not even sure she can trust, she travels through land ravaged by a long-forgotten war, discovering a history the Union wants everyone to forget and an idea worth risking her life for. Mary never promised the Order she’d return, but she can’t be free while the others in her city remain trapped. She just never dreamed they wouldn’t want her help.
I implemented some of the suggestions given in previous comments, but in the end, I just couldn't make some of them work. (btw, I don't have your email addy, Kristen.) With the third limited POV and the voice, giving the hero his own paragraph seemed odd. Everything is from Mary's perspective, and he's more like a 'best supporting actor' than a star.
Anyway, my beta reader is working on Blink (Thank you!), so I won't be sending this out until that's finished. Which gives me time to let this simmer. Meanwhile, I did chop those chapters out of Nano last night, and this morning I resurrected my word meter. (I actually snipped more words, but then added some into the new Chapter One.)
Okay, off to start the day. Can't sit around forever in my jammies. (Well, I could but I won't.) Have a great one, everyone.
Sunday Update - Week 25
39 minutes ago