Well, after all the work I did yesterday, I scrapped everything this morning and went back to a draft I did several weeks ago. Not that what I wrote yesterday was crap. It was actually pretty good as cover copy goes. I was even prepared to go ahead with it, but when I looked at it this morning, I realized it didn't have the right tone. It wasn't in keeping with the voice of the novel.
So anyway, here's the latest incarnation. There's still something off about it, but I'm so brain-fried I can't figure out what. If any of you want to comment, feel free.
Raised as a foundling, Mary Jones was taught to believe she's nothing and no one. As castes go, she’s just one step above servants and slaves, and she’s lucky the Union allowed her that. But after she wanders across a secret group known as the Order, she discovers she’s more special than she’s been allowed to know. The Order sees something in Mary, a chance for success where so many others have failed. Mary’s only task is to escape the city and find others who may still be free beyond the wastelands, but after learning she’s always been a tool for the Union, she makes plans of her own. She’ll return to see her city free from the Union’s control, whether it wants to be free or not.
*shrug* It's close, but I don't want to touch it anymore for fear I'll screw it up. Like making spaghetti sauce - sometimes you know it's missing something, but you can't figure out what, and then the next thing you know you've added too much thyme and ruined the whole pot.
The Long Trek Back
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
My take:
Raised as a foundling, Mary Jones believe's she's nothing and no one. As castes go, she’s one step above servants and slaves, and she’s lucky the Union allowed her that. But after she wanders across a secret group known as the Order, she discovers she’s more special than she’s been told. The Order sees in Mary a chance for success where so many others have failed. Mary’s tasked to escape the city and find others who may still be free beyond the wastelands, but after learning she’s always been a tool for the Union, she makes plans of her own. She’ll return to see her city free from the Union’s control, whether it wants to be free or not.
My issues with this are I don't get a distinct image of setting: what time are we in? what place? What's the genre? - that doesn't really come across either. Is this fantasy (steampunk?), historical? Contemporary? - if so, the caste thing brings into question setting again.
This needs a few more hints of info.
Thanks, Kristen! You're absolutely right. I think I made the mistake of, insteading adding too much, deleting too much. I went back through the previous attempts and found one I liked, then re-tweaked it to fit the new revision.
I probably should've also said that it's speculative fiction (SF?) - which will go in the rest of the letter - but it does need to be made clearer in the copy.
Thanks again. :hugs: =o)
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